Origins

And the DBA waxed wroth…

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Genesis of a DBA Universe

In the beginning was the disk array, and all was empty and raw, and Windows Server moved over the face of the platters. And the DBA said: Let there be SQL Server. And there was SQL Server.

And the environment variables were set, and the disks were striped and mirrored, and the config was established, and behold spindle was rent asunder from spindle. And the DBA saw that all was in spec.

And it was day, and it was the evening of the first day.

And the DBA said: Let there be objects. And setup.exe brought forth myriad crawling things upon the face of the array. And instcat.sql brought forth all manner of tables and views that swim unseen beneath the waters. And procsyst.sql brought forth all the built-in procedures and all the operators of the air, that the users might be given wings and take fight over the data.

And it was day, and it was the evening of the second day.

And the DBA said: Let there be databases. And there were databases. And the system administrator looked upon the disk array and did see what the databases had wrought upon the disk arrays, and he did gnash his teeth and seek a new work upon the Internet with an engine of search.

And it was day, and it was the evening of the third day.

And the DBA created users. Male and female he created them. And he said unto the users: Thou mayest create tables and views as thou wilt. Yea, though mayest create even indexes upon the data. Only meddle not with the system database, for it is a holy place, and on the day wherein thou treadest upon it, on that day thy roles shall surely be revoked.

And the serpent crept among the users and whispered to them, saying: Thine roles shall not be revoked. Taste ye all of the system database, for ye shall know of b-trees and hints and ye shall be as DBAs. And the users heeded the serpent and did fill the system database with crap. And the instance did crash and the client did wax wroth at the DBA. And the DBA did gnash his teeth and partake of the fruit of the vine, for behold the users were permanent employees, and the DBA was but a contractor and could not revoke their roles.

And it was day, and it was the evening of the fourth day.

And the DBA did set default databases and default schemata, and did lock down all that was upon the face of the array with roles and encryptions and all manner of quotas, yea even from the transaction logs even unto the archived backup files.

And it was day, and it was the evening of the fifth day.

And the DBA created synonyms and links and did tune the server and apply patches upon the face of the server. And the DBA saw that is was good.

And it was day, and it was the evening of the sixth day.

And on the seventh day the DBA did rest from all the labors of the creation. But lo, his pager did ring and he ceased from resting, and did spend his sabbath on the phone with Microsoft support. And by the time the DBA got through to someone who knew whereof they spake, behold it was day, and it was morning of the eighth day.

And the DBA waxed wroth.

Author: natethedba

I'm a SQL Server DBA, family man, and all-around computer geek.

2 thoughts on “Origins”

  1. I can’t take 100% credit for this; the wife found it somewhere on the web and I tweaked it to Windows/SQL Server (it was originally written in DB2 or Oracle flavor, I think).

    Like

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